Clinical Psychologist
San Francisco | Palo Alto
415-386-0275 | 650-261-6490

The Kindred Relationship or Soulmate Experience 
Copyrighted material from the forthcoming book
Kindredness, Kinships, and Soulmate Experiences
by Robert Badame, Ph.D. and Shelley Diamond, Ph.D.

Characteristics of the Soulmate Experience

1.  A feeling that you've been looking for each other all your life.

2.  A deep sense of relief and visceral feeling of fulfillment in each other's presence. A driving need to be together. Separation may feel acutely painful. 

3. A seamless sense of continuity, regardless of how long it's been since you met or last made contact.

4. A sense of security and confidence that you have a permanent bond that will endure despite separation, time, distance, or even death.

5. A mutual feeling of true selves being known, understood, and appreciated by someone essentially similar. Looking at the world with the same perspective.

6. An uncanny ability to perceive and echo the subtleties of each other's thoughts, and involuntarily experience the other person's feelings.

7.  An ability to be comfortable in silence, minds entwined without words. 

8.  An inability to deceive each other, nor to manipulate without detection. The inescapable vulnerablity, lack of privacy, and defenselessness may feel uncomfortable and thrilling at the same time.

9. An easily sustained deep intimacy with a lack of emotional barriers, even when you want or need them. There's a tendency to exclude other people, yet too much time alone together can create self-absorbed overload and burn-out.

10. Either an unusual lack of conflict or, for toxic soulmates, intense conflict based on competing similarities or denial/fear of similarities, despite being irresistibly drawn together.

11. A quirky commonality that is difficult to rationally explain. This may include a high amount of coincidence, synchronicity, and blended eccentricities.

12. A difficulty in being able to describe the qualities and significance of the relationship to others, but even those who are unable to understand your experience may have a strong awareness of it and/or reaction to it.

13. The likelihood of having encountered one or more soulmates increases as age increases. The later in life a soulmate experience occurs, the greater the likelihood of having the emotional maturity to maintain the relationship.

14. The likelihood of finding a soulmate increases in places where you feel "at home."

15. The intensity of the soulmate experience increases along a continuum as the depth and complexity of similarities between the two people increases.

The Qualities of Kindredness
The feeling of kindredness increases as the number of similarities increase.
This feeling is especially strong when both external and internal commonalities co-exist.

External Similarities:
Tangible & Visible

Same gender, age, ethnicity, or other physical characteristics

Same religious upbringing, schools attended, place growing up, or other similarities in background, culture, or history

Same family arrangements or concerns, home location, activities done in free time, or other similar lifestyle choices

Same work project, job skills, company title, career objectives, or other similar workplace situation

Internal Similarities:
Intangible & Invisible

Same sense of humor, likes and dislikes, perceptions of intimacy, obsessions, or other similar attitudes in style, character, or personality

Same approach to change, crisis, new ideas, decision-making, problem-solving, or other challenges

Same level of competitiveness, ambition, risk-taking, pacing, demand for perfection, big picture thinking, or other aspect of business or career

Same philosophical, political and/or spiritual beliefs, or other values, goals, and priorities in life.

Traditional Couples vs. Romantic Soulmates
Traditional Couples

Romance diminishes over time

Romantic Soulmates

Romance deepens & permeates over time

Committment consciously chosen and must be regularly renewed Being together seems like foregone conclusion, undeniable inevitability
Wish certain aspects changed, flaws resignedly tolerated Appreciated exactly the way you are, including flaws
Need to learn how to communicate and understand each other Communicate effortlessly, understand each other immediately, sixth sense of perception
Both feel somewhat mysterious to partner, some things better left unsaid Both feel known inside out, whole truth cannot be concealed or avoided
Fundamental disagreements can lead to serious arguments Few fundamental disagreements, can argue for fun
Potential for jealousy and insecurity No one else can compete, bond is unquestionably secure
Challenge is to discover and maintain commonalities, make time for togetherness Challenge is to discover and welcome differences, make time to spend apart
Questions: How to get closer? How to live with unmet longing for closeness? Questions: How to get enough distance? How to keep from suffocating in the closeness?
Sex is used as a vehicle to bring each other closer. Momentary feelings of "oneness" occur occasionally during sex Sex is an extension of the compelling closeness that already exists. Fluid feelings of "oneness" frequently flood sexual encounters
The Internet & Kindredness

Does the internet facilitate kindred relationships?
Tell us your personal story by sending an email to: Dr. Badame